I couldn’t understand why I struggled so much through the tantrums.
Why homework became a battle of wills.
The threat of a lego invasion is moving me to a place of despair and stress.
The garden, currently a muddy mess, had become a place I no longer relished while watching them hang upside down on the swings.
I realised that I was resenting motherhood.
The daily routine of teeth brushing, pack lunch making, personal entertainment, chef, nurse and referee had become just too much. Some days I opened my eyes and closed them again, knowing I was going to face a day the same as the one previously.
I didn’t resent my children insofar as being ungrateful for their existence. Far from it! Rather every day became a blur of to-do lists, Project management and the daily grind of life.
Instead of fostering a home which exuberated joy, peace and laughter, our house was centred on control and agendas set before my eyes had even opened. Peace and joy we’re no longer my compass and resentment slowly had been creeping in.
This new stage of motherhood means my boys have more independence. They can grasp and grapple with what is right and wrong, while we provide guidance and support. We have replaced plastic toys with lego, replaced the constant need for feeding with the perpetual asking for snacks. They can do things without my help, and my role as a mama has changed and developed.
I am no longer needed continuously.
The world is influencing their minds.
School is developing their intellect.
I had forgotten to see the joy in the everyday. Forgotten that motherhood is a journey with various pit stops, twists and turn and speed limits. I had let my gratitude and thankfulness seep from within me, and allowed resentment a place in my heart.
I saw boy 1’s continual questioning a chore. His perpetual need for information and books exhausting. Boy 2’s constant asking for snacks, helping himself to food made me feel frustrated. His tantrums are draining.
I hadn’t recognised the joy within these moments. Boy 1’s ability to retain information and his love for history. His regular fuel of information shaping his mind to consider what is right and wrong. Boy 2’s recovery from continually being poorly, his speech, which was such a worry, becoming more evident each day.
The little things are essential. Small tiny moments of joy and happiness sprinkled around the daily grind — Whispering a quiet sense of peace, a breeze of expectancy in each moment. My heart and mind need realigning. I needed to refocus on the small, reading one more book, engaging in one more sentence.
These small moments help build joy, hope and peace into our family, making the resentment dissolve.
This season of motherhood is different; it requires different parts of me to be given willingly. Yet this season will bring these small moments in the everyday. I just have to recenter my attitude towards them.